Saturday, April 25, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
My husband as urged me to journal my way through my current heartache and I love his wisdom in how truly healing journaling is. I love journaling, even if no one reads it, I love it's magical release it gives me as I pour out my soul onto the paper.
I have been home from Portland 6 days now and has hard as I want time to go back and stop, it won't stop, but keeps on going forward. I can't change that and I find myself stumbling through the days in a fog. My head is cloudy, my body is tired and my back is killing me (I ruptured a disk in my back coming home from Portland at the airport).
My Mother is here from Kentucky to help out and be a support to me during my physical healing process and also my emotional healing that I have to go through. Victor had to go back to Virginia yesterday morning and it was so hard for him to leave me. He begged me to let him stay longer, but his job would be on the line and we couldn't afford for him to lose his job, so I kissed him and sent him back to Virginia.
My Mom and I discussed some of my feelings this morning and I came to the conclusion that I was at fault for a large portion of my pain. Don't get me wrong, the other party did their fair share of hurting back. However, I am only responsible for my actions and my deeds, so I take full responsibility for my errors.
One of the worst and hardest job as a parent is parenting a grown-up. I have lived away from all my kids for 6 years now and when I was given the chance to go home for the birth of Sophie I was elated to go and HELP. I had visions in my head of cooking, cleaning, organizing and generally helping out. I had planned on staying for 6 weeks, with the intention to help before Sophie was born and especially afterwards. However, my expectations were not their expectations nor their desires. In fact, they apparently like living the way they do. For me, it was not livable, but for them it was OK. My mistake was to go in like a bulldog and try to clean the place up. I wasn't mean and truly had good intentions at heart, but it was not wanted and thus caused a huge blowout.
I need to learn to let my children live their life the way they want to live it. It's not my place to go in and take over and take charge. What was I thinking? Again, I wanted to help so badly that I lost sight of their wishes and created hurt feelings, insults and pure hatred. The treatment I received was not warranted or justifiable, it was mean and cold. Opinions were formed that I wasn't trustworthy and I will never understand how a 44 year old Mother can't be trusted in her child's apartment. We had already agreed that they didn't want me to clean, so I wasn't going to do it again. I made that promise, but apparently there was no second chances.
I don't like the way I was treated at all, but I do acknowledge my errors and faults. I don't like the fact that I have to feel reserved around my children and their own environments. Shouldn't a Mother be able to say "this is dirty let's clean it up?" I suppose if someone came into my home and told me they were going to re-organize it I wouldn't like it either, so I made a fatal error. I truly have learned my lesson and although I don't like that I have no say in my children's lives anymore, I have to let them go and let them live their life the way they see fit, even if I think it's harmful or detrimental to their health and happiness.
Life never seems to ease up and there is always a lesson to be learned no matter how old we get. I don't like the lesson I just had to learn, in fact I hate it, but I need to learn to let go. Along with letting them go is also stopping to bail them out every time they whimper. I've been guilty of that as well, and that will not happen every again. I have to let them fall and get hurt and pay the consequences of their actions. This time it will be easy because Victor has put his foot down on this issue and will not allow any help to be distributed to unappreciative, selfish children.
I have mixed emotions about it, but I do believe that I have failed my children in more ways than one and constantly bailing them out of problems only hurts them further. I have to stop doing that and even if my heart breaks apart into tiny pieces when I see them fall, I have to allow that to happen. If that brings hatred from them to me, then I will have to accept that and pray that as maturity takes hold, they will come back to me, MOM.
For me, my days move forward and I am forced to wake up every day and keep putting one step in front of the other. I am thankful for thousands of miles between me and my children, so I won't see the pain that is surely coming soon down the road for them. I am thankful for the sun and it's bright reminder that life is sunny as long as you choose to let it be so. I am thankful for the rain and it's cleansing drizzle that washes away the pain and sorrow. I am thankful for the stars at night that gives us hope even in our darkest hours. I am thankful for ME and the good person I know that I am.
If you have any suggestions on how I can learn to let go, please leave a comment. I need all the help I can get...Thanks.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I neglected to do my post last Monday as I was out of town. My weigh-in today is 220. There has been no change, but I am happy that I haven't gained any weight. I had a stressful week and I was worried that with emotion soothing eating if I would gain weigh, but I did a better job than I thought I did. So, until next week I will keep doing what I've been doing.
Friday, April 17, 2009
As tears flowed evenly down my face a rainbow appeared surrounding her spiral peaks. Did anyone else see it or was it just for me? Maybe a promise that my suffering will come no more – maybe a hope that all things will be bright and beautiful or maybe just at that moment I needed it the most….peace.
Webster Dictionary defines grief as “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement…a cause of such suffering”
When I initially looked at the famous dictionary my first word I looked up was heartbroken, which is defined as simply “overcome by sorrow”. This led to other words such as Anguish (extreme pain, distress or anxiety), Woe (used to express grief, regret, or distress), heartache (anguish of mind), grief and sorrow (deep distress, sadness, or regret especially for the loss of someone or something loved….a cause of grief or sadness….a display of grief or sadness)
As I am wracked with all of the above emotions, I turn to what often makes me feel better and that is my writing. It seems to be an outlet for my sorrow, my joy and my trials. It seems to help in some small way to carry me through the difficulties that often plague my life. I do not wish to share the circumstances surrounding my present broken heart, only to release the pain inside.
I sit and wonder what it was that I did wrong. I’ve seemed to ask myself a million times over the past few days…where did I go wrong? Was it too much love? Was it not enough love? Did I have to take being treated like a child? Was it having to accept that people like being controlled by others and allowing others to make decisions for themselves? Did I over step the boundaries, this I can clearly say I am guilty of that. Or did it have to be leaving quietly in the night and walk away from all that I hold dear?
I truly don’t have an answer. I truly don’t. There seems to be no answer and me in my sleepless nights I wonder why????? Why does heartache seem to sneak up on you when you least expect it? How in the happiest moments of your life, it quickly and painfully gets grabbed away? Why does this happen?
As I sat in the airport yesterday I saw airplanes land and take off. I saw hundreds of people of all sizes, ages and race walk past me and we all have one thing in common. At one time in our life we have all suffered heartache. Maybe someone today has a broken heart like me; maybe someone’s heart is breaking worst than mine, although I can’t imagine that’s possible. So, how do we as people survive, move on and leave the pain behind? I don’t think we ever do. For me, the days help dull the pain and after years it’s manageable, but it’s always there, lurking in the dark corners of my heart, holding a piece of me that was taken away forever.
Am I a victim, I don’t think so. I believe that I am human and I do and have made mistakes. Haven’t we all? In my past in the battle of grief I have been hateful, mean, and sought revenge. I don’t chose to do that this time, even though the party involved thinks just that very thing. There are things we do with the very best intentions at heart, but somehow that gets misconstrued, twisted and blown up like a nuclear bomb. Yes, I have made mistakes, which I tried to rectify, but sharp tongues and closed minds shut me out in a matter of seconds. How does someone do that? How can someone one live with such behavior? I still struggle with that realization.
Pain seems to follow me through my life, but somehow, somewhere I pull through the destruction of the storm and press forward. I will do the same again, but I wonder when that calm after the storm with come. When will the tears stop flowing? When will the painful breaths ease? When will my sleep return and my hunger allowed?
In all my years and years of therapy one thing I have learned is that I am only responsible for my own actions and not another’s. I need to stay in the moment, not worry about yesterday or tomorrow, but only today...this hour or this minute. Sometimes taking things one day at a time just doesn’t work…so taking one hour or one minute at a time needs to take place. I take responsibility for my faults, and my actions and I can’t worry about another, especially those who hurt us the most.
My psychiatrist recently told me I was well enough to go back to work. I strongly disagreed with him at the time, but now I think he’s right. The current blow to my soul in the past would have put me in a drug induced coma, suicide attempts, cutting and hospitalization. I can say very proudly that during this current crisis none of that happened, in fact I only took my anxiety medication once. I also didn’t have a desire to hurt myself, which is so monumental for me.
Despite opinions or thoughts my meds have been taken as prescribed and my reaction to the current assault on my heart has proven just that. The party involved will say it was all my fault and I strongly disagree with that. I do not need to prove anything to anyone, but for once in my life I am proud of myself! I cannot tell you how huge this is for me. It is a great victory!
So, through the briar patch I am surrounded by I will see my way through. I will escape the painful spears and the deep cuts by the sharpness from the bite of these bushes. I will be OK because I am strong, healthy and after 44 years of my life I am in a place I’ve never been before.
Forgiveness? That seems to come easily to me after the pain has subsided. If I can forgive the horrors of my childhood I can forgive anything. However, I will NEVER allow anyone to take advantage of my goodness and love ever again. I don’t care who it is or the circumstances. It will not happen, I promise you that.
I will surround myself with the people who love me, support me and take me as I am with my faults in tow. People who understand the human frailties that surround each of us. I will continue to love with the fieriness I have always done. I, however, will let go of the selfish, ungrateful people in my life and pray that in time they will grow and mature and respect their family. I will let circumstances shape their life and silently pray that they will be ok. As a person, I never want to hurt someone I love so dearly, but there are times when enough is enough and it’s time to let them go and suffer the consequences of their attitude and actions.
So, as I start a new day I remember the song..."The sun will come out tomorrow…” and so it shall.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and was actually looking forward to weighing myself. I was curious if my scale at home was accurate, so to my surprise the doctor's scale shows me at 220, not the 223 I reported on Monday. So, as of today I have lost 9 pounds. YIPPPPPEEEEE!!!!!
Monday, April 6, 2009
I don't have anything really witty to say today. I don't really have a desire to write about my weight loss this past week, other than to say that I lost 3 more pounds. If you lost count, that is 6 pounds total. I feel pretty good about it and I could tell I had lost several pounds because my double chin was shrinking...I am very HAPPY about that.
Being home has made a huge impact on my diet and for that I am grateful. I still haven't exercised and somewhere I need to find the motivation to do so. I know in my mind and heart it will be good for me all the way around. I know it will be good for my body, my mind and my soul. Being Bi-Polar any doctor will tell you to exercise because that will help release different chemicals in your brain and will help your depression. I know that this is true, but yet it is so difficult for me to get out there and do it.
The other thing I think about is how I am neglecting my body and how I am disrespectful to what I've been given and not taking care of it. How can I expect the spirit to be with me when I don't even take care of myself? One of my biggest struggle with is my low self-image and at the age of 44 I am unsure if I can conquer that. I need help!
The other thing that has been entering my mind lately is how the pioneers crossed thousands of miles across the plains to get to the Salt Lake Valley. I wonder if I was told we had to make that journey to Jackson County Missouri how I would struggle because I haven't taken care of myself and I am not physically fit. Would I make it? I worry about that.
Today I am tired, feeling depressed and frustrated with myself. The three pounds lost was excellent, I know that, but I need to do more. I need to do a better job at taking care of my physical body. I am not accountable to anyone but myself and maybe that is part of the problem. How can I be accountable to myself when I don't like myself, let alone look in the mirror. I want to do better, I truly do, so somewhere in the depth of my body and soul I need to pull my guarded self out of there and try harder.
So, my goal this week is to go out one time and walk around the neighborhood. It might not seem like a lot to most people, but it's a big step for me and it's reasonable considering my state of mind. I think I can do this...please pray for me!
Several weeks ago I entered a giveaway at Frugal Coupon Living, which is one of my favorite blogs. Ashley at Frugal Coupon Living had been on the Dr. Phil (check out her segment here) show a few weeks before her giveaway and was teaching people how to save money using coupons. After seeing her on Dr. Phil I checked out her website and became addicted to the coupon world.
I had not been a couponer, but scouring blog after blog on how to save money I made a committment to be more frugal in my spending and help lower our household expenses. I don't care if you well off and the recession hasn't hurt you like it has many of us, but why not use coupons?...they are FREE money.
I have had a slow start to couponing, frustrated by being in Virginia for 6 weeks and not needing to grocery shop I was eager to go home and start my new found friend. My first trip to the grocery store where I used coupons I saved $19.27 off my total bill. Now, I am a very new beginner, but I was so excited about how much I did save.
So, the giveaway. Ashley received a gift from Carolina Pad which she showed on the Dr. Phil show and showed everyone her method for clipping coupons and the Carolina Pad product was one of her favorites. So, seveal weeks ago Carolina Pad agreed to sponsor a giveaway to Ashley's bloggers. I eagerly made all my entries and waited with anticipation for the deadline to come to an end. I was hopeful that I would win and get my couponing organized. So, I waited and waited until one day I get this e-mail.
"You are ONE of my TEN Carolina Pad Giveaway Winners (out of more than 1100 entries!!!) Luck must be on your side!
April at Carolina Pad will be contacting you to get your choice and mailing address. If you would like to go ahead and contact her, her email address is (I took this out)
PS you can see the post here with the winners listed.
I was so excited and couldn't believed I won such a great giveaway. I've been waiting to receive my giveaway so I could blog about it and it came this morning. What I received was the following: Index Card Box w/24 blank tab dividers, 2 fashon ballpoint pens, Stick-On notes & flags, 13-pocket accordion folder, 3 ring binder, a small notebook, 5 decorative tab dividers, an organization folder w/8 full size pockets, a chic peechee and 12 decorative file folders. I hit the mother lode and I now can get all my coupons organized and be on my way to money saving trips to the stores. My resolve is to never pay full price for anything again. If it isn't on sale or I don't have a coupon, then I will not buy it.
Here are a list of my other favorite coupon/freebie blogs:
I hope you enjoy and join me in coupon world!