Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Valium or Tomato Juice?

Today I traveled today from Columbus, Ohio to San Diego and these were my most memorable moments. Enjoy and when you’re done reading please leave a comment on your most memorable airplane moment.

1. If you must wear a bottle of perfume or cologne then expect me to glare at you the entire flight and possibly spill my tomato juice all over you to make you smell a little better.

2. I do not care what your sexual orientation is, but DO NOT share your personal sexual desires, pleasures and favorite positions. I may not be a virgin, but my ears are and some of the things you mentioned seemed impossible to me…

3. DO NOT take speed when you have a 5am flight to catch an across the country. The entire plane is sleeping, except for you and I am getting annoyed. The valium I brought for myself is all yours…please take the whole bottle. Calling you the energizer bunny would be a compliment, how many did you say you took?

4. Since you took massive amounts of speed this morning, DO NOT order several rounds of tequila! Please show me where the parachutes are!

5. Must you bring your pet onboard? He may be cute, but his poop sure does stink. I need another can of tomato juice please!

6. Babies, Babies and more babies. Can they take valium?

7. I am overweight, but when you have to get a seat belt extension and you take up my seat as well as yours, please buy a ticket for two seats. I don’t enjoy rubbing fat with you. Darn the valium won’t help here!

8. DO NOT talk about a flight that crashed. I gave all my valium away and I can’t take anymore stress.

9. Please DO NOT help me with my sudoku puzzle. The valium isn’t working on speedy, the pet still stinks, the babies are still crying, the perfume lady still stinks like perfume with a slight tomato smell, I’m squished by your blubber and you just mentioned airplanes crashing. I can’t get out of my seat to get to the parachute and my sudoku puzzle is my last option to remain sane.

10. Was that you who just passed gas? If it was you need to see a doctor. Whatever you consumed was not edible and has died in your intestinal track. Tomato juice or valium won’t help you…so Please DO NOT do it again or I may have to vomit on you.

11. I’ve saved the best for last….DO. NOT. Announce to the entire plane that you have swine flu! Is it legal to allow a person with swine flu on the plane? If it is, screw the tomato juice and valium, he can have my parachute and I’ll risk my life by gladly pushing him out the door!