Monday, June 29, 2009

Last week at our neighborhood garage sale I snagged a deal on a treadmill. I hit the neighborhood hard and by the time I got to the treadmill sale I had already spent my budget, but I still looked at it very seriously and asked a bunch of questions. I left the sale discouraged because I have wanted a treadmill for years and this one was $50.00, worked and was in good condition. I went home and decided to go ahead and buy it anyway. I went back and bought it and arranged for Victor to pick it up the next day. I was so excited!

Victor picked it up the next day which proved to be a challenge since the truck is in Virginia, but they were very helpful by helping Victor get it home by using their van. It now sits nicely in my basement and the best part is I’VE BEEN USING IT! Hooray to me! I feel like a turtle using it because I’ve only been able to do 1 mile at a time and that takes me 30 minutes. That hasn’t discouraged me and I keep walking away. I am loving it! I love having this gem in my home now. Going outside and walking in the neighborhood bothered me because I am so self-conscious of my weight and my breasts jiggle more than my butt. That’s no lie….So now I can exercise in the comfort and privacy of my home and that is exactly how I wanted it.

So, today’s weigh in was 219 and I expect it to start going down more evenly and steadily now that I am exercising.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

CVS Trip 6/23/2009
My trip to CVS today was my best coupon day ever! I bought 3 Kraft BBQ Sauce, 1 Frank's Hot Sauce, 4 SoyJoy Bars, 2 bottles of Tylenol and 2 Thermacare Heat Wraps. The total before coupons was $30.48. After the coupons I used and the ECB's my total was $.53 cents. I then got $12.98 back in ECB's so I made $12.45 on this trip. I LOVE CVS shopping.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day....Part II

Today I honor my father who I never had the chance to see or meet. My father has always been my protector throughout my entire life, even while I was in uterine. When my mother and father learned they were pregnant my father knew that they had to run away to be able to keep me. A plan was in place and one dark night they took off for unknown territory.

Their destination was Idaho where they could of gotten married, but when they arrived all they needed was a note from both of their parents giving permission for the marriage. They didn't have that and my father said that if he had known they needed that he would of forged one. From there they headed to Reno/Las Vegas to get married. They had a road trip fit for hollywood, with robbing liquor stores, stealing cars and sleeping in neighborhoods in their car.

When they arrived in Nevada they also learned tha they couldn't get married. A bit distraught at the dim news my father remembered that his cousin was coming in on a navy ship in San Diego in a few days. He knew that his friend would help them get married. So, off to San Diego they went. Their trip was hard. My mother was early in her pregnancy and not feeling the greatest. They had little money and hardly no food, but they were determined to save their little family and ME.

When they arrived in San Diego they had a few days until his cousin's ship came in and so my Dad decided that he was going to take my Mom and ME to disneyland. He had robbed a liquor store to get the money and his beloved Slow Gin. I can imagine at how glorious their day at Disneyland was. For one day they had no worries, no fears and were able to be the kids they were and enjoy the time together. When I heard this story I was so moved by this gesture of my father to provide my mother with some relief and fun. I was also struct with the thought that that was one of the last times we were all together.

The next day the cousin arrived and he did indeed agree to help them. He was having a party at his house that night and told them to come over and get some food and rest. They went and stayed for a little bit, but my mom was uncomfortable being there and she wasn't feeling the best either. So they left for their nightly routine. My father felt it was safer to sleep in safe, quiet neighborhoods and this night was no exception. He drove to a nearby neighborhood and parked the car like he usually did and they went to sleep. They were awoke in the night by a policeman asking about what they were doing. Many questions later they were taken into custody and taken to jail. One tiny mistake changed the course of all three of us forever. He parked on a one way street the wrong way.

They were in the LA area for many months until the police, feds and parents decided what to do with them. They were finally sent home to Washington and that was the last time we were all together. My father still instilled in my mother that it will be ok and he will figure something out to save his treasured family, but the system and parents sealed our fate.

In the end my father was shipped to live with an aunt in Idaho and was not allowed contact with my mother. The months were agonizing for both of them, but my mom held onto the hope that when I was born my father would return and they would be able to figure out what to do. My mother never heard from him again, letters were intercepted and after months of being worn down by my grandmother my mother had no other option then to give me up.

After I was born and adopted my father was allowed to come back to Washington. Upon his arrival he tried to find us, but he was told that I had died at birth. To this very minute my heart breaks at how devastated my beloved father felt. My mother had been married away and sent to Kentucky and I had died. He had no one left and he was inconsolable.

Not much is known about my father after that, but a few bits and pieces. He quickly got married and I believe had 3 replacement children. He turned into a hard alcoholic and in 1974 (I was 10) he committed suicide. It is my belief that he was so tormented by the loss of my mother and me that he just couldn't exist any longer. He was going through a divorce at the time and I can relate to his despair because I have been at that same very spot several times.

My abuse started when I was 9 and my dad died a year later very close to my birthday. I think that the reason I never wanted to find him was because I knew deep inside he wasn't there. He was never even a thought to me and I believe that's because he had died. I know with a certainty that he has been my guardian angel and protected me from my terrors in the night. He watched over me and still does to this day. I feel him around me daily and I KNOW he is with me. His picture is the only one I have on my night stand and when I travel he goes with me.

When my mother and I were reunited she looked up my dad's family and went and talked with them. They still thought I had died and were shocked in the new discovery of their niece. They were excited, but you can imagine the shock. My uncle was so kind in giving my mother pictures of dad and gave her 3 of my father's favorite Elvis albums. Those albums are my most precious possessions. I have gotten bit's and pieces of my father over the years and everything I learn or receive I treasure it.

My father's passion was music and he LOVED Elvis. He would sing to my mother, play the guitar and sing to me. Music was his release, just like it is to me. I received this gift from my father and I treat it like a fabrege egg, priceless. I love how he is apart of me and the things in me that are like him. I love my dad.

Today on Father's Day I just want to say to my daddy that I love you and thank you for being my daddy and loving me in a way only a father can love. You are my hero and I look forward to the day when we can be together again. I love you! Your little Beth.

Happy Father's Day.......Part I

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that I was adopted at birth and had a pretty miserable existence as a child. My Adopted Dad (AD) was a hard working, loving father when I was young. He doted on me when I was a baby and a toddler. He built Lincoln Log houses for me and made me a doll house by hand.

He left me and my brother when I was 9 when he and my AM (Adopted Mom) got divorced. He moved 4 hours away from Portland, Oregon to Tri-Cities, Washington. From then on I saw him on visitation's and for 1 1/2 years I lived with him and his new wife when I was 13. He was my protector and as soon as he left the home my abuse went into hyper mode. I always loved him, but he became a distant father as I got older. As I grew up I became to resent him for leaving me and then becoming bitter because he didn't do anything to help me. To give him credit, I don't know that he really ever knew, but I don't know how that was possible.

I did know that he loved me and he made Christmas special for me my entire childhood. He LOVED Christmas, especially the village he created every year. He spent hours and hours putting it together and he would just beam when us kids would wake up and see it finished. He would run the train through the mountains and meadows he created. He had small cardboard houses, lead people. lead animals and a ton of trees. They are antiques now, but I don't know what happened to them when he passed away several years ago.

His love and magic he created at Christmastime brought joy into my life if but only for a few weeks. Christmas still remains my favorite holiday and I now have carried the "village" tradition in my own life and family. My kids grew up with the "village" and I would spend the same painstakingly, but lovingly hours building my magic for my children. If you ask one of my kids what one of their favorite memories are, they would probably answer Christmastime. Within my little city walls you could lose yourself in the lighted houses, the people walking down the city center and the snow covered trees. It was truly magic!

My village in 2006

I don't remember a time when I didn't know I was adopted, but unlike my AM I felt like I had a father. I always wanted to find my birthmom (BM), but I never felt like I needed or wanted to find my birthfather (BF). The earliest age I can remember wanting to find my "real" family was at the age of 9, which coincidentally was when my abuse started. I don't remember once having a thought or desire to find my BF and it really didn't bother me. It was like he never existed and he wasn't in the equation and fantasy I created for myself and my BM. I believe I didn't have that desire because I had a father, but I later learned exactly why I didn't have that desire.

My AD was a good Dad overall. He had his faults, but like I have said about my AM, I believe he did the very best he could at the time. I distanced myself from him as an adult and I did that by choice, this seemed to be very prominent when I found my BM and learned about my BF. I might have been inconsiderate in my dismissal of him, but I really don't regret it. I have tremendous peace with putting to rest my past and both my AM and AD who have passed away. I will always respect and honor him as my AD, but my BF is my REAL Dad and I will talk about him tomorrow. For now, thanking you AD for being in my life.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Organizing Part II

After I finished with my kitchen pantry, I then tackled my spice cupboard. It too wasn't in bad shape, but the unorganized mess was getting on my nerves and after my pantry turned out so well I felt confident my spice cabinet would turn out just as well. Here is the before pictures:

And After...

Now, I did cheat a little bit because the entire top shelf before was all of Victor's special spices from his travels around the world. I don't cook with those and he doesn't use them very much either, so I removed them to a new spot in the kitchen (no, not the garbage). That freed up that entire top shelf for me.

I feel sorry for Victor because when he was home last he made a comment that I needed to give him a tour of his house because he no longer knew where everything is. He loves it, but can't find a thing. Funny, since it's all labeled, but I understand that when something looks totally different you can't really see what you are looking for because your in such shock. I have also completed all my drawers and they are all clean and organized similar to my cupboards. My kitchen organization project is onto the bathrooms.

I love organizing!

I have been meaning to for some time to post about my recent kitchen organization project. I finally have the free time to sit down and post about it now. My first project was my kitchen pantry. It wasn't in bad shape, but I feel so much better when things are in place, uncluttered and organized. I have always had a passion for organization and I love how it simplifies my life and makes me feel so good. So here is my old pantry:

And here it is after I was done organizing it...

So, that is it. Everything is labeled, put in seal-tight containers and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! Victor told me I should do it for a living. I don't know about that, but if you want your cupboards done just let me know.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Today's weigh in was at 215. I suspect that I would be losing more, but I can't stop eating pizza and chocolate. I hope that they pizza hut and chocolate in heaven...I would be lost without either.
I'm not doing anything specifically. I just eat little portions and other than my splurges I eat ok. I could improve it, but I'm content at the moment. I am finding that I can only work on one change in my life at a time, otherwise I get overwhelmed and then I get sick. Lately, it's been my face. I'm so tired of big pores, blotchy red patches and acne that I have thrust myself into a face care system. I need to be consistent and consistency is something I struggle with, so I am just trying to focus on cleaning my face at the moment and watching my weight on the side. I suppose my Widdle-A-Way adventure is not just about weight loss, it is revolving into improving myself and increasing my self-esteem. I'm all for that! So, next week I'm sure I will have widdled away something else.