Friday, April 17, 2009

As my plane left my beloved city behind I was once thankful to be sandwiched in the middle seat, unable to see my departure of the placed I loved so much. But, in an instance I glanced out the window and there she was in all her beauty and majestic qualities. There was not a cloud in the sky as she was surrounded by gracious blue skies. The bright sunshine was reflecting off of her pure clean snow. Was this a tender mercy I needed so badly or a gift of hope and promise?

As tears flowed evenly down my face a rainbow appeared surrounding her spiral peaks. Did anyone else see it or was it just for me? Maybe a promise that my suffering will come no more – maybe a hope that all things will be bright and beautiful or maybe just at that moment I needed it the most….peace.

Webster Dictionary defines grief as “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement…a cause of such suffering”

When I initially looked at the famous dictionary my first word I looked up was heartbroken, which is defined as simply “overcome by sorrow”. This led to other words such as Anguish (extreme pain, distress or anxiety), Woe (used to express grief, regret, or distress), heartache (anguish of mind), grief and sorrow (deep distress, sadness, or regret especially for the loss of someone or something loved….a cause of grief or sadness….a display of grief or sadness)

As I am wracked with all of the above emotions, I turn to what often makes me feel better and that is my writing. It seems to be an outlet for my sorrow, my joy and my trials. It seems to help in some small way to carry me through the difficulties that often plague my life. I do not wish to share the circumstances surrounding my present broken heart, only to release the pain inside.

I sit and wonder what it was that I did wrong. I’ve seemed to ask myself a million times over the past few days…where did I go wrong? Was it too much love? Was it not enough love? Did I have to take being treated like a child? Was it having to accept that people like being controlled by others and allowing others to make decisions for themselves? Did I over step the boundaries, this I can clearly say I am guilty of that. Or did it have to be leaving quietly in the night and walk away from all that I hold dear?

I truly don’t have an answer. I truly don’t. There seems to be no answer and me in my sleepless nights I wonder why????? Why does heartache seem to sneak up on you when you least expect it? How in the happiest moments of your life, it quickly and painfully gets grabbed away? Why does this happen?

As I sat in the airport yesterday I saw airplanes land and take off. I saw hundreds of people of all sizes, ages and race walk past me and we all have one thing in common. At one time in our life we have all suffered heartache. Maybe someone today has a broken heart like me; maybe someone’s heart is breaking worst than mine, although I can’t imagine that’s possible. So, how do we as people survive, move on and leave the pain behind? I don’t think we ever do. For me, the days help dull the pain and after years it’s manageable, but it’s always there, lurking in the dark corners of my heart, holding a piece of me that was taken away forever.

Am I a victim, I don’t think so. I believe that I am human and I do and have made mistakes. Haven’t we all? In my past in the battle of grief I have been hateful, mean, and sought revenge. I don’t chose to do that this time, even though the party involved thinks just that very thing. There are things we do with the very best intentions at heart, but somehow that gets misconstrued, twisted and blown up like a nuclear bomb. Yes, I have made mistakes, which I tried to rectify, but sharp tongues and closed minds shut me out in a matter of seconds. How does someone do that? How can someone one live with such behavior? I still struggle with that realization.

Pain seems to follow me through my life, but somehow, somewhere I pull through the destruction of the storm and press forward. I will do the same again, but I wonder when that calm after the storm with come. When will the tears stop flowing? When will the painful breaths ease? When will my sleep return and my hunger allowed?

Breathe…Debbie…Deep breath

In all my years and years of therapy one thing I have learned is that I am only responsible for my own actions and not another’s. I need to stay in the moment, not worry about yesterday or tomorrow, but only today...this hour or this minute. Sometimes taking things one day at a time just doesn’t work…so taking one hour or one minute at a time needs to take place. I take responsibility for my faults, and my actions and I can’t worry about another, especially those who hurt us the most.

My psychiatrist recently told me I was well enough to go back to work. I strongly disagreed with him at the time, but now I think he’s right. The current blow to my soul in the past would have put me in a drug induced coma, suicide attempts, cutting and hospitalization. I can say very proudly that during this current crisis none of that happened, in fact I only took my anxiety medication once. I also didn’t have a desire to hurt myself, which is so monumental for me.

Despite opinions or thoughts my meds have been taken as prescribed and my reaction to the current assault on my heart has proven just that. The party involved will say it was all my fault and I strongly disagree with that. I do not need to prove anything to anyone, but for once in my life I am proud of myself! I cannot tell you how huge this is for me. It is a great victory!

So, through the briar patch I am surrounded by I will see my way through. I will escape the painful spears and the deep cuts by the sharpness from the bite of these bushes. I will be OK because I am strong, healthy and after 44 years of my life I am in a place I’ve never been before.

Forgiveness? That seems to come easily to me after the pain has subsided. If I can forgive the horrors of my childhood I can forgive anything. However, I will NEVER allow anyone to take advantage of my goodness and love ever again. I don’t care who it is or the circumstances. It will not happen, I promise you that.

I will surround myself with the people who love me, support me and take me as I am with my faults in tow. People who understand the human frailties that surround each of us. I will continue to love with the fieriness I have always done. I, however, will let go of the selfish, ungrateful people in my life and pray that in time they will grow and mature and respect their family. I will let circumstances shape their life and silently pray that they will be ok. As a person, I never want to hurt someone I love so dearly, but there are times when enough is enough and it’s time to let them go and suffer the consequences of their attitude and actions.

So, as I start a new day I remember the song..."The sun will come out tomorrow…” and so it shall.


Loralee and the gang... said...

Oh Debbie I am so sorry that you are in such pain! But I am proud, so very proud of how you are handling it. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, and that someday I know you will live in and with the love that you so truly deserve.

Grace said...

Debbie I wish so bad that I could have picked you up that night..I am so sorry. I am sorry that you are having to suffer and feel such pain right now.
I love you and remember you are not alone and that you are a choice daughter of Heavenly Father...never forget that and don't allow discouragement or distractions to take that knowledge from you. May I share a quote with you that a member of our Bishopric used in a talk a couple weeks ago? He said "even on our darkest days there is ONE who understands what we go through because HE has traveled that dark path for us...He, Jesus Christ, he knows"
I love you Debbie...Walk to are of great worth!!!!

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