Widdle-A-Way

First of all let me be very clear....I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE to have my picture taken. I do not have a very good self-image of myself and you will never see me post a picture of myself. It's because I am very overweight and I am so embarrassed to have my picture taken or posted anywhere.

However, I have been contemplating about doing a series on my weight loss journey and in so doing I feel I have to post my picture. I truly want to do a series on this, but I am afraid. I finally have to admit I have a weight problem and that I have to do something about it. So, this series Widdle-A-Way is my journey to a healthier, skinnier and beautiful ME.

Like I said I have a very bad self-image of myself. See the gorgeous woman in the brown top, that is how I see myself. I'm afraid if I don't start doing something I may end of looking like the lady in green. The funny thing is that inside I don't feel fat. I am a kid at heart, just ask my kids, and don't see myself as old or fat. Is the mirror tricking me? Is the scale wrong? I certainly don't see myself sexy or attractive, but I have a wonderful husband who loves me flab and all. That is one of the reason's I love him so much, he accepts me for who I am.

For my history, I was never overweight as a child or teenager. When I got pregnant with my first child I weighed 105, I am 5'2". I now weigh 229 and unfortunately my height is still 5'2". I gained a lot of weight with my first and second babies, 60 with one and 50 with the other. My weight gain with Mallory was only 16 pounds.

After Brian was born my thyroid completely shut down. In three days I literally gained 25 pounds, no joke. So, thyroid is a contributing factor, but not an excuse to use as a crutch. I started taking anti-depressants in 1989 and have been taking them ever since, another contribution. In 1991 I was diagnosed with pernicious anemia which is a rare anemia for women to get. Taking regular iron supplements doesn't work for this type of anemia, so I give myself shots of B12 once a month. In 2002 I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar and was put on several medication's and for those who don't know, most anti-psychotic medication has a huge weight gain factor in it. So, I felt doomed over and over again.

I have tried things over the years. In 1994 I worked on weight loss, granted I didn't have all my psych drugs (5 in total) and lost like 30 pounds. I did really good on riding a stationary bike and watching my diet. Then I did walking in our neighborhood on and off and I joined Gold's Gym one time and went faithfully for a few months, then quit going. Just last year I joined Weight Watchers and I did good again for 2 months. I lost 17 pounds, but I got discouraged by not losing more in those 2 months, so I quit.

Over the past year I have seen my weight go up and up like a rocket and I've been unable to control it or keep it in check. I'm at the point now where I just can't stand it anymore. I can't even look at myself in the mirror and I certainly don't want Victor looking at me, so our intimacy has changed drastically. The other issue I have is Victor doesn't sleep in the same bed as me because I snore like a grizzly bear. This has been going on for several years now and even though I will say I'm use to it, it truly bothers me that we have separate bedrooms.


So, what do I do? I know that I don't want to look like this bronze beauty, nor is it practical. I want to be healthy and feel good about myself inside and out. I know that I need to cut foods out like hamburgers and pop, chocolate (my biggest addiction), pizza (Oh, how I love pizza) and other junk that I eat. My diet isn't all bad, I do drink 1% milk, I eat cheerios everyday for breakfast. I'm not much of a salad person, but I am trying to like it.

Now, in talking with my doctor about my weight she has said a few things. One, I can't take a prescription weight reduction med. I tried that one time and when I had had an accident in my pants I stopped that. Also, now with all my medication Weight Reduction pills are a stimulant and I can't take them now anyway. The weight reduction surgeries they have now I don't qualify for those because of my Bi-Polar, however, you would think they would take someone with Bi-Polar because maybe their weight issue is causing them extra stress and depression. Plastic surgery and liposuction is way to expensive and isn't covered by our insurance. So, I have to go back to basic. Eat lean and smart and EXERCISE....ugh

My stats are: I'm 5'2" and weight 229. For my height and age I need to be in the 101-138 range. My goal is 150, I figure that's a good round number and I think for my current condition 101 is unrealistic. My bra size is 44D. Now I know that many women wish they had larger breasts, but I would do anything to go back to 34C. My pants size is between 18-20 depending on the brand. My shirt size is 2x-3x, again depending on the brand.

So, here's my plan. I am going to weigh myself every Monday and I will do a post every Monday on my progress. I've rejoined weight watchers and I am so far being faithful to my "points". In the hotel we are staying at there is a treadmill and so I've been using the treadmill every other day. Some of my crutches is caffeine free diet coke and I need to replace that with water, but as many dietitians say, you don't have to cut everything out, just use in moderation.

I hope that with the right attitude I will be successful in losing some weight this time around. I know that I am loved by my family and close friends who don't see the weight, but see ME. I hope with their encouragement I can see myself through their eyes at the sweet, beautiful person I am.